Disclaimer: I do not own anything pertaining to the works of Tolkien or Peter Jackson. Nor do I own Sean A., Sean B., Viggo, Orlando, Dominic, Billy, Elijah, Ian, Liv, Karl, Miranda, John Rhys-Davies, or any of the other fabulous people in the fabulous film. I do, however, have an Aragorn valentine (given to me by my little brother *Thanks, buddy!*) taped to the counter by my computer at work. Ah, to dream.

A/N: This story was inspired in me as I was listening to the ‘End of All Things’ track from ‘The Return of the King’ You know, the part where Frodo puts the ring on, refusing to throw it in and all that rot. I would just like to go on record as saying that I have nothing against any of the actors in the movies at all, but I do hold a special place in my heart for Sean Astin, who, besides being one of my first crushes (‘Goonies’ anyone?), is also a severely underrated and underappreciated actor. Warning: expect thoughts of violence on the part of our Hobbit-like director, and irreverent jabs at the many endings of RotK.

Amended A/N: Since this got me banned from ff.net, I would just like to say: BITE ME, FF.NET ADMINS! Ha! I got the story up somewhere. And as long as we’re on the subject of rules, how dare you make the author by the name of ‘Phantom’ take down her much beloved story ‘Lullabies of Broadway’ just because it was in script form? That’s just a stupid, stupid rule. Do you have any idea how many people loved that story? For cryin’ out loud, she wound up creating a website for the freakin’ fic! *sigh* Anyway, on with the story. Please, keep in mind that I rattled this off the top of my head in under thirty minutes.

Premise: Sean Astin’s bad mood quickly spreads around the set.

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“Frodo!” Sam yells, struggling to see his master through all the smoke and ash. He finally spots Frodo at the edge of Mount Doom.

“I’m here, Sam.”

“Destroy it! Go on! Throw it in the fire!”

Frodo stares at the Ring.

“What are you waiting for? Just let it go!”

Frodo turns to Sam, holding the ring close to his chest.

“The ring is mine,” he says. In a move that seems to take an eternity, he slips the ring on his finger and vanishes.

“NO!!!!” Sam cries. He sinks to the ground in despair, then, unexpectedly, stands right back up.

“This sucks,” he says.

“CUT!!!!”

All around, there are the shouts of cameramen and grips working to halt the equipment. Peter Jackson walks over to Sean Astin.

“Sean, I hate to tell you this, but that’s not in the script.”

“I know it’s not in the script. I’m just stating a fact. You’re telling me that, after everything Sam goes through for Frodo, all he gets to do in the end is cry? If I were Sam, I’d beat Frodo senseless.”

“Sean, what’s wrong?” asked Elijah, coming up behind Peter. Peter glanced back at his Frodo.

“He’s upset about the ending.”

“Which one?” Elijah inquired, earning a dark look from his director. He grinned impishly before digging out a Tootsie Roll pop he’d been saving and sticking it in his mouth. Might as well take advantage of what little down time he had. Peter turned back to Sean.

“Look, Sean, I’m sorry, but this is the way the book was. Sam stuck with Frodo through everything. And I know you’d do the same for Elijah.”

“I would?”

“Hey, that’s not supposed to be your response,” Elijah said, obviously hurt.

“Look, all I’m saying is I’m not doing this scene until it’s rewritten. I cry too much in this movie as it is. Why should I give up now? Why can’t I just lunge forward, grab the ring from Frodo, and throw it into Mount Doom myself?”

“Because that’s not the way it happened in the book,” Peter tried to explain patiently. Sean was having none of it.

“Since when does that concern you, Mr. I-think-Faramir-should-be-a-bad-guy-at-first? Not to mention the fact that you cut Glorfindel from the first movie and replaced him with Arwen.”

“For crying out loud, am I never going to hear the end of that?!” cried the harried director. He looked at Elijah, who was far too absorbed in his Tootsie Roll pop to really pay attention to anything else, then turned his attention back to Sean.

“I’m sorry you don’t like it, but this is the way it is. Be a sport, Sean.”

“No. I won’t do it unless the scene is rewritten.”

“What’s going on?” said an unmistakable voice. Peter turned and was somewhat surprised to see Billy and Dominic coming towards them in full battle regalia.

“What are you two doing here? You’re supposed to be in front of the Black Gate!”

“Oh, that. Well, Orlando got a little too carried away with his bow and he ‘accidentally’ shot some of the lights out. They’ve called for a break until they can get it fixed.”

“For the love of,” Peter began, but he stopped himself. Right now, he had to tend to a very disgruntled Samwise Gamgee.

“Sean’s mad about the ending,” Elijah explained. Apparently, the question ‘How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll pop?’ would never be answered by him. He now held only a bare stick in his mouth.

“Which one?” Billy asked, blissfully unaware of the dark thoughts Peter was suddenly entertaining on what the best way to kill a Scottish actor would be.

“Idiot,” said Dominic. “Don’t you see? Sean’s upset about the fact that he just sort of gives up in this scene after all Frodo puts Sam through. Telling him to go home and Sam having to fight Shelob. All that stuff.”

“But that’s what happens in the book,” replied Billy.

“Never did like that book,” Sean grumbled. The set froze and Sean was immediately repentant. “Sorry. Didn’t really mean that.”

“Hey, what’s everyone doing just standing around?”

Viggo and Orlando joined the little group, clearly puzzled by the standstill they had walked in on.

“Sean’s upset about the ending,” Billy piped up.

“Which one?” Viggo and Orlando asked in unison. Dom bit back a smile while Peter started wondering how long jail time would be for multiple homicides.

When everything had been explained, again, Sean spoke up once more.

“And another thing. What’s so special about Sam?”

“What do you mean?” Peter demanded. “Sam is one of the best characters in the trilogy.”

“Yes, but why?”

“Because he’s loyal, true, brave, trusting.”

Peter would’ve gone on, but Sean interrupted him.

“Yes, yes, yes. Those are fine qualities I suppose. But what about the girls?”

“Girls? What girls? What are you talking about?” Peter was clearly confused.

“You know what I mean. The girls. They scream about Elijah’s eyes, they scream about Billy’s voice, they scream about Orlando’s coolness, they scream about Viggo’s ruggedness, they scream about Dom’s, um, Dom’s. Well, there must be something appealing about Dom cause they sure do scream about him.”

“Hey!” This from an insulted Dominic.

“Then there’s David and his ‘sensitive soul’. And as long as we’re on the subject of David, let’s talk about Sean Bean, shall we? His character died in the first movie and the girls are still nuts over him.”

“This isn’t about the ending at all, is it, Sean?” Viggo asked, a grin slowly spreading across his face.

Sean shook his head miserably.

“It’s just not fair. The girls think I’m sweet and good and kind, but they don’t really, truly like me. Half of ‘em think this is the way I normally look.”

“Sean, you’re married!” exclaimed Orlando. Sean shot him a ‘look’.

“I’m not talking about cheating on my wife, elf-boy. I’m talking about getting a little attention around here. Is that too much to ask? Am I really that awful looking? I didn’t think I was.”

No one in the group wanted to reply to this question, because no one wanted to say that another guy was good looking. Sean looked even more miserable, if such a thing were possible. Viggo took pity on him.

“Look at it this way, though, Sean. Out of all the Hobbits, you’re the only one who has a love interest.”

This was true enough and Sean actually looked a little bit cheered by the statement. Peter seized the opportunity.

“That’s right. And you’re the only guy besides Viggo who even gets a love scene. At least until the extended DVD is cut for the third movie.”

“I suppose.”

Meanwhile, the others had started wondering about this.

“Hey, he’s right,” said Dom, obviously irritated by this turn of events. Billy and Orlando exchanged glances that clearly said they felt the same way. Peter closed his eyes, silently cursing himself and Viggo for bringing this up in front of everyone else.

“Yeah, where are our love interests? Where are Estella and Diamond in all this?” asked Billy.

“Billy, Dom, I would’ve loved to go into your characters love lives, but there just isn’t time.”

“Oh, but there’s time for a Smeagol/Deagol scene?”

“Look,” Peter said, deciding to deal with one hobbit at a time, “Pippin does get to catch the bouquet at the end-.”

“Which end?” Elijah interrupted innocently. He had found another Tootsie Roll pop to occupy his time and so was not concerned about his character’s love life. As long as he had his chocolate.

“STOP THAT!” yelled Peter. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself before going on.

“And he does get to exchange glances with a hobbit lass.”

“That’s true,” Billy agreed, satisfied with this for the time-being. Peter sighed with relief before turning to Dominic.

“As for Merry, all I can do is apologize, Dom.”

“Hmph!” Dom was clearly not impressed.

“What about me?” Orlando asked. Peter looked at him, incredulous.

“What about you?”

“What about my love interest?”

“Legolas doesn’t have a love interest, Orlando. The book clearly states that he and Gimli travel with each other after the War of the Ring and then cross the sea to Valinor together.”

“Oh, great. So I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with John?”

Viggo gave a snort of laughter and Orlando glared at him.

“I’m sorry, Orlando,” Viggo apologized, trying to keep a straight face.

“At least I was clean throughout the whole trilogy,” Orlando said. It was Viggo’s turn to get upset.

“Yeah, well if my character were some prissy Elf who ponces about on top of snow, I’d probably be able to stay clean, too.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah!”

“THAT’S ENOUGH!!” cried Peter. But no one was paying attention to him. By now, Viggo and Orlando were at each other’s throats. No one could hear anything above their voices. Peter looked over at Billy and Dom, who were steadily working their way up to the same level of anger.

“Stupid Brit!”

“Bloody Scot!”

His gaze traveled to Elijah, who remained standing, peacefully playing with his third Tootsie Roll pop. Peter made a mental note to ban those things from the set. He looked for Sean, but Sean was nowhere to be found. Sighing, he turned to Fran.

“I’m going to take a nap. That’s a wrap for today.”

Fran nodded as Peter walked off the set, looking very dejected and tired. As the crew moved to strike the set, she caught sight of three figures silhouetted against the door way.

“What did I tell you?” Sean asked.

“If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it,” Miranda said, astonished by the men’s behavior.

“Very impressive, Sean. I wondered if you could actually provoke them into fighting about something like that, but you didn’t disappoint me,” Liv laughed.

“It’s easy if you know which buttons to push. Dom and Billy aren’t the only ones who can wreak havoc around here. They just think I’m the ‘serious’ one around here so they let their guard down more with me. Haven’t figured out Elijah yet, though. Maybe before we wrap shooting entirely, I’ll have something in mind. Now, since we finished early today, courtesy of yours truly, how about dinner? My treat.”

Liv and Miranda grinned.

“Sounds great!”

“Good. Just give me time to get out of this wig and these feet. I’ll meet you at my trailer in an hour?”

“You got it.”

The two women walked off, leaving a very pleased Sean Astin behind. As he began to walk towards his trailer, he heard Elijah yelling from the set.

“HEY!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TOOTSIE ROLL POPS?!!!”

Sean grinned. Oh, yeah. This was the beginning of a beautiful career in mischief making.

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A/N: So, what did you think? I can’t take flames, my clothes are flammable. I’m not really sure what Elijah Wood’s opinion is of Tootsie Roll pops, but it was the first thing that popped in my mind. And I’m pretty certain none of the guys in the Fellowship would act like they did in this story, but I had to write it down. It was driving me nuts. Hope you enjoyed!